7 tips on how to increase self-esteem among children who are unsure of themselves
Establish a relationship with a child who constantly wants to break down and who seems to be annoying more and more is not easy. And when these relationships manage to build, there are other problems. The child is behaving insecure, often sad, and involuntarily a thought crept into his head: it's all because of our previous relationship. Solve this problem will help you the concept of Alexander Nill. In his book, he described in some detail his teaching path at Summerhill School and told how he communicated with his students. In that school, as a rule, they were sent to study "difficult" children, those with whom parents and ordinary schools could not cope. And pupils of this school were children from well-to-do and well-educated families, because training there was worth a lot of money. We decided to highlight his main innovative ideas and tell you about them on the example of relations between mother and daughter.
1. Teach children to notice good things
My daughter did not know how to rejoice. When she bought ice cream, she immediately said: "Why one?" If you gave a toy - "Why this, and not the other?". Earlier I only grumbled: "You do not like everything for ever!".
Then I tried to play with her in bed before going to bed: each of us took turns calling five bad things and five good things happened during the day.
This was useful doubly. In the section "about the bad" she learned to analyze her feelings and emotions, and at the moment of "good" she suddenly was surprised to understand that the day was not so bad. I, speaking of "good", told her how pleased I was that she helped me to clean, cleaned my teeth very qualitatively, was nice with my younger sister. This was not an obsessive flattery of praise, but very organically flowing into the game. The child noticed his positive side.
2. Give children freedom of choice
Previously, it was important for me to express my opinion on any occasion: for example, I was terribly worried about what the child was wearing. I criticized her choice of clothes, poked her nose at the fact that things "do not mix." I was one of those who, after putting on a new pair of shoes, began to beg: "Do not scrape shoes with asphalt - you'll cap your head", "Do not lie in a puddle - you'll wet a new one", "Do not walk on the grass - there will be stains from it". My God! It was darkness. Now I understand that I tried to compensate for lack of attention with elegant clothes: say, I'm a good mother, I buy beautiful things for my child.
Now my daughter chooses absolutely ridiculous combinations at times, and I am silent. This is her choice - so she feels comfortable and confident
She lies on the grass, in the ground and in the sand, picks in puddles and mud, climbing trees. Of course, the freedom of choice concerns not only clothes. I began to consult her, whether we would go to the park or to the playground; she can choose a separate dish for herself at dinner, if she does not like what I cook for the whole family; we began to give her pocket money, so she learned to decide for herself what and how much she would spend. Freedom of choice does not mean permissiveness. All the main decisions are still made by parents, but why not give the child the right to vote in small details relating to his childhood life.
3. Remove from the lexicon the verb "to blame"
I replaced the concept of "wine" with the word "responsibility". And if "guilt" presupposes punishment and remorse, then responsibility implies the ability to solve the problem, ask for help or take a failure, drawing conclusions.
Sometimes it's not easy not to yell offensive words, if the child poured a glass of sticky sweet juice on the floor, and just offer a rag and help
And if the child climbed on the fence and fell, then to nothing to finish him with phrases such as "For what they fought, and then ran" or "I told you - she's to blame now." Man is already bad, he has already realized the consequences of his behavior. Now he needs only support.
4. Do not require more from the child than he can do
Once, when the youngest daughter just learned to sit, I left her on a chair next to my older sister and decided to leave the room for a moment. "Follow your sister," I said to the eldest, who at that moment was keenly watching the cartoon. A second later, the younger one fell off the chair. I ran to the scream and began to chide the eldest daughter: "How could you, why did not you follow your sister, I asked!" Now I understand that I just shifted my responsibility to her.
A six-year-old child can certainly follow a baby, but this is not included in the set of his indispensable skills and responsibilities
If she does this, then this is a bonus, a gift, but not a given. That is, I demanded from her what she was not ready for, thus causing her feelings of guilt and inferiority. Now I clearly compare its capabilities with my desires and try not to demand more.
5. Learn to let go of the situation and put up with the consequences
The eldest daughter likes cooking very much. At school they have a large kitchen, children from the first class are allowed to cut salads with real knives, they all cook pizza, roll rolls and cook soups. At home, cooking always turned into trouble: the daughter wanted to pour the flour, beat the eggs, measure the sugar, and I only thought about the grief of the dishes and the hour of harvesting. And she began to insist and criticize: Well, how do you sypesh, still, by me, give me, go away. " Fun did not work. Now I think so: your child genuinely likes to bake these pies, yes, after that a lot of cleaning, but this does not happen every day! You can sit in a clean kitchen and stare at gadgets, or you can have a good time, having smeared in flour.
An hour of trouble, during which the child can do what he really does well. Is it not worth a little effort?
I suddenly realized that the problem is not that my daughter did not seem to be interested in anything else, as it seemed to me. And the fact that what she is interested in is too uncomfortable for me. So all she has to do is watch the aipad. Cooking? Oh, no, too much cleaning. Chemical experiments? Oh, we do not have vinegar and soda, and go to the store for laziness. Well, let's watch the aipad. Mom is comfortable, the initiative and excitement of the child at zero.
6. Teach children to say "no" and defend their borders
Once we walked in the park a big children's company, and a friend of her daughter called her after a walk to visit. We were about to leave, a friend was waiting at the car, but then my daughter's stomach ached. She literally twisted, but she said with tears: "I can not not go, he will be offended, I promised!". Here it is, this common mechanism in action: "If I refuse - it does not matter that at the moment I feel bad - I will become bad for my friend / husband / mother and will no longer love me. So I'll crawl, but I'll do what's expected of me. "
From that moment, I gently and unobtrusively began to explain to my daughter that, yes, promises, arrangements and help to relatives is very important. But if you want to sit alone tonight at home, and friends insistently call you to go out, you do not have to go out. And if you have your own plans, you should not change them (unless, of course, this is not a matter of life and death). First think - do I want it, is it convenient for me? And only then make a decision.
Each time, as soon as the situation of choice arose, I said: "Think for yourself and assess whether you want and do you have the strength to do what they ask of you"
If you do not want to - this is normal, you can refuse. I myself learned to do this only to 30 years, having spent a lot of time on unnecessary conversations, uninteresting companies, negative emotions and resentments, doing some extra actions only for fear of "not to please." And this, of course, is a sad experience, which should be avoided.
7. Develop self-confidence
As soon as I began to analyze the behavior of my daughter, it became clear that she was my copy. After all, I do not know how to rejoice, I feel worse than others, I do not know how to say "no", do not bank my boundaries, criticize myself and constantly seek someone's praise. How can I make my daughter a happy, confident person, if I am not myself? It is impossible to describe here the whole long journey of my thinking and introspection.
I was helped by this method: I began deliberately to overpower myself in situations where I wanted to act not in my own interests
I began to train the muscle of "my interest", and every day this behavior becomes more and more natural for me. Yes, I still fall from time to time in uncertainty, but I often like myself in the mirror, I have stopped aloud and even mentally criticize myself and tolerate such criticism from others, I have learned to refuse without guilt and excuses. We can say that my daughter and I are going along this way together - and have already fairly advanced.
A month ago, I noticed that my daughter no longer tells me anything about that girlfriend who has so often offended her. I decided to ask myself, and she replied: "You know, in my friendship with her, I was always ill. And I did not like it. " They still communicate, but no longer as an oppressor and a victim, but as ordinary classmates - these relationships ceased to be important for my daughter, she no longer wanted to seek favor and praise. She gradually learns to get it all from the inside, I'll try to help her in this.